James 1:19 “…Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” – New International Version

American Indians are said to have devised a very ingenious way of discussing very important tribal matters, which ensured equal and fair participation of all the parties in the discussion. While seated in a circle, they used the Talking Feather (an object, usually a stick which had colourful feathers attached to it) which was passed around from one speaker to the next. The person holding the Talking Feather would have the opportunity to speak, while everyone else silently listened, without interrupting the speaker. Only when he/she finished talking would he hand the Talking Stick to the next speaker.

Apostle James in Chapter 1:19 encouraged the same virtue of doing more listening than talking. This is a powerful way of resolving conflict in marriage and promoting fair fighting. Conflict/ fighting/ disagreements are a normal part of a marital relationship. But couples who practice Fair Fighting are likely to stay together and in love much longer than if they engage in fighting without the proper rules of fairness. Below are some rules for fair fighting:

1. Avoid attempting to resolve a matter when angry. Requires choosing an appropriate time to discuss an emotive issue, when tempers have cooled down. This is while being cognizant of the need to bring closure as soon as possible, rather than leave a matter hanging – Ephesians 4:26 “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry”. This means that fighting is actually important and confronting negative issues affecting the marriage is actually better than sweeping them under the carpet; with potentially explosive consequences.
2. Implement the Talking Stick approach. No need to have an actual stick; this rule just requires being polite and giving your partner an opportunity to voice their grievance without interrupting them. Accept their grievance as legitimate, whether you agree with it or not.
3. Focus on the present issue. The temptation to relate the current misunderstanding  to previous incidents should be avoided. While discussing Offense Y, no need to remind the offender how he/she also committed Offense X a couple of weeks before. This also requires avoiding the use of the phrase “You always do this.. Or Never do that”
4. Address the issue, not the person – When we separate the issue from the person, we avoid name-calling or ‘dirty’ fighting. If unhappy with the words your partner used, don’t say “You are very disrespectful!” It is better to say “when you said those words, it made me feel disrespected”
5. Apologise – “Sorry” is the magic word that could potentially resolve a conflict quickly. But the apology should be properly done with these 3 steps for it to be effective:
   1. Admission of wrong (stating the offense and how it brought injury to the relationship)
   2. Accepting responsibility (and any resulting consequence/ requirement for restitution)
   3. Asking for forgiveness (and seeking restoration of the relationship – may require giving your partner time, depending on the gravity of the offense)

So fair fighting is critical to keeping the marital bond strong, and can also be used in all other relationships and friendships to sustain them and keep them strong. 

Ephisians 4:29 “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” – New International Version